Recollection
by sdbubbles
Summary: Sort of an end tag to "Breathe In, Breathe Out." On their wedding day, Serena and Hanssen - and Michael - recall how they got to this point.


**A/N: I'm not sure where this came from. Maybe the boredom of to being able to work (there was a _slight_ accident involving a 1.8 petrol engine and my knees yesterday) and being stuck at home. But I hope it's not too soppy and lovely.**

**Sarah x**

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She felt his hand on her bare back as he helped her into her seat. What possessed her to let her daughters help her choose a dress? All floaty and princessy. The opposite of the wearer.

The babble of those she knew and loved was endearing. Jac and Jonny and their daughter, Flora, were sitting at a table with Mo, Elliot and Sharon, all laughing and happy. "I have something I want to say," she told her husband in a whisper. "But I'll be polite and wait for you to shut your trap," she grinned.

He smiled and kissed her hair, careful not to dislodge Eleanor's careful work. "Of course," he said. He stood up and, in typical Hanssen style, silenced the whole congregation wordlessly as he did so. "Well. What can I say about Serena?" he asked them all, and she saw that wicked look on his face. "Most of you see us both every day, work with us every day. Some have even had the misfortune to study and qualify under Serena," he added, looking between Arthur, Gemma and Harry and teasing a laugh out of everyone.

"It was last Christmas that I asked her to marry me," he recalled, making Serena blush slightly at the memory of her complaining about him only for him to put a ring on her finger. "A momentary lapse in sanity, perhaps."

"Oi!" she snapped, hitting him lightly on the stomach with the back of her hand.

"She must be equally insane to have accepted that proposal," he added. "But the bottom line is that, after years of living with her, and after the birth of our beautiful daughter, Anya, I found myself loving her too much for my own good."

The words brought tears to Serena's eyes and she had to remember it would only melt her make up and make her look like a sentimental fool. "Serena has faced every circumstance and scenario thrown at her with grace and dignity, even when others made that difficult," he said, looking directly around to Eleanor, who rolled her eyes at being reminded of the second and last time she turned up at Holby City Hospital drunk. "To watch her live is something I am thankful I can do. To live the rest of my life with her is something I never believed was possible, and there was a time it may well have been my worst nightmare come true."

Everyone laughed. Serena's first year at Holby had been tumultuous, with a troubled and turbulent working relationship with her now-husband, and she was sure she was not the only one who remembered those days.

"A lot has happened in six years. A lot has gone wrong and a lot has gone right, but this is the end result, and I could not be happier. There was a time I was worried she would not fight hard enough," he said, his honesty striking and extremely rare and somewhat painful to hear. "She stood when I expected her to crumble. She didn't like where she stood, and she hated herself for a time, but still she stood."

"Henrik, stop," she whispered, not wanting to hear him make her out to be more than she was. She was a mother, a doctor, a businesswoman and now a wife. She was no fight and she was certainly not the courageous person he believed her to be. She had survived, yes, but by the skin of her teeth.

He, predictably, ignored her because he knew better than her. That was why she loved him. He knew when he was right and he knew when Serena was just embarrassed. "There's a song from 1985," he said. "It says, 'We're all in the halfway house; I guess I always knew; you could give up on yourself; but I could not give up on you.'"

Serena looked up at him, realising now what he was saying, but he explained himself for everyone else's benefit. "It's true. We all _are_ in the halfway house. We're all in that place between the mistakes of our pasts and the prospects of our futures. We're all in a situation of varying degrees of unpleasantness, but we make the best of the messes we make and the messes we are left in by other people. We all give up on ourselves. We all give up on the idea of being able to move forward from our own mistakes. But it's also true that, no matter how badly we feel about ourselves, there is someone out there who loves us regardless."

That silenced everyone. "A situation can make or break us. It can make us stronger or weaker. It can bring us together or drive a wedge between us. It's our decision. We chose to let it make us. We chose to let it make us stronger. We chose to let it bring us together. And here we are, in a position better than we could have hoped. We're happy."

He sat down and fixed the flowers in Anya's hair as his nervousness transferred almost comically into neatness while everyone applauded his honesty.

Serena stood up and said, "It's not the way of doing things but I want to say something." Everyone fell quiet again and she began. "Six years ago, I went on a trip with Henrik. Conference in Brighton. Most of you know it did _not _go well."

Jac handed her the book she had asked her to take in her bag and Serena continued, "In the weeks and months, even years, after that happened, I kept a journal. At the time I wasn't sure why I did it, but now I know why. I wrote all of it down so I would remember that I was stronger than to let a bad situation break me."

She opened the familiar lilac journal at the page she had marked. "This entry was from two days after we got back to Holby." She cleared her throat, wondering if this was a good idea, but it was the explanation as to why she had fallen in love with Henrik Hanssen. "'It's been a long day. The police came to the hospital. I think everyone knows something is going on between myself and Henrik, and I dread to think what rumours they will dream up. But it's the start of the end now, and soon it'll all be over and done with. Henrik took me out to dinner, and I've never seen him like that before. He even knows when my birthday is. It was almost bizarre singing 'Green, Yellow and Red,' 'Rosie Strike Back' and 'Tennessee Flat Top Box' in Henrik Hanssen's car. Even more bizarre than finding Garth Brooks, Johnny Cash and Rosanne Cash CDs in his glove box.'"

She stopped a second until the laughter died down. "'Stupidly, I've just committed the cliché of kissing him on my front porch. I expected him to run a mile but he's been the perfect gentleman about it. Crying into his chest, shouting at the top of my voice at him, freezing him out, making horrible comments about him, kissing him, even...none of it bothers him. He still tries. He still makes me feel better. What would I do without him?'"

She looked up with a lump in her throat. Jac, who had read this before, was hastily wiping tears from her cheeks. Sharon looked like her unflinching professionalism had briefly collapsed as she smiled almost sadly. Michael, Ric, Chantelle and Digby sat together as they recalled the difficult times Serena was revisiting.

"That last line sums my love for Henrik up. 'What would I do without him?'" she asked them. "I would be utterly lost. But now I'll never be lost again," she added, looking down at him with a smile. "He's my light at the end of the tunnel. He's my SatNav, even though he's too bloody stubborn to actually use one," she laughed. "He's the one who will always love me, no matter how I treat him. And I will always love him," she concluded and sat down.

Henrik put his arm around her and she let herself lean into his chest while Michael Spence stood up. "I wanna say something!" he shouted over the applause and babble. Serena glared at him but let him speak anyway. "OK. So, we all know Serena Campbell is a nightmare. We all know Henrik Hanssen is a nightmare. So together, they must be the worst kind of nightmare, right?"

A ripple of laughter went through the crowd. "But they're not. When they're together, they're nicer to the world. Well, they're nicer to me, anyway. They see each other in a way we can't see them. Whatever Rena sees in Hanssen, she saw long before any of us did."

"Call me that one more time, Michael. I dare you," she snarled playfully at him.

He just shrugged carelessly. "And whatever it is that Hanssen sees in _Rena_," he grinned over at Serena. She had to resist the urge to chuck a bottle of champagne at the idiot. "Is lost on most of us. But that's the beauty of it. They see the good in each other that they're so determined to hide. I, for one, have not seen Henrik Hanssen smile so much in the time I've known him. Anyone who remembers when he first arrived will know he was so deadpan it was scary. I've not seen Serena smile so much either, and she was never half as bad as Hanssen. She knew how to crack a smile but now it's all she ever seems to do. So I wish them many happy years to come, and I hope it doesn't end in you two murdering each other."

Even Serena laughed at that as he picked up his glass. "Henrik and Serena."

Everyone repeated and lifted their glasses to them; she felt Henrik's hand rubbing her arm gently, an unconscious habit of his – he did it to Eleanor and Anya as well. Serena had a feeling it was the only way he knew to make someone feel better without speaking and making anything worse.

They all stood up and started to do their own thing, but Serena sat with Henrik for a few minutes longer. "Who knew when I first met you that I'd end up marrying you?" she sighed happily. "If you'd said that, I probably would have laughed you out of the room."  
"And yet you're now my wife," he pointed out. She looked up at him as Eleanor took Anya's hand to dance. "Why didn't you tell me about that journal of yours?" he asked her gently.

"It's full of painful things, and I didn't think you'd like to read them," she explained honestly. "Some of the things I wrote in there managed to make Jac Naylor cry, for God's sake! I wouldn't make you read that."

"You let Jac read it?"

"I let slip to her about it by accident a few months ago when we had that prisoner case. She wanted to read it. Don't know why. She knows how to keep her mouth shut," she shrugged. "And, no, I don't trust her more than you. I just don't want to see you hurt. I even end up in tears when I'm stupid enough to read over it."

"I want to read it," he requested. "I'm not exactly one to just burst into tears, am I?"

"Neither is Jac."

"Please."

"Alright," she agreed, "but not today. Today supposed to be is a happy day." A sudden thought crossed her mind; a half-asleep memory from years ago. "What does 'vackra mod' mean? Is it Swedish?"

"It means 'beautiful courage,'" he told her.

She smiled and kissed him lightly on the lips. "I love you."

He sat her up, her face in his gentle hands, and whispered, "I love you."

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**Hope this is OK!  
Please feel free to review and tell me your thoughts!  
Sarah x**


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